What Guides Us When We Choose A Partner

Is it possible that our relationships are not a coincidence? There are specific things and emotions that guide us when we are choosing a partner. So what hides behind our choices? Have you ever asked yourself why and how you ended up with your partner? I mean, why not somebody else? Why did you fall in love with this particular person and not another one?

Behavioral psychology, as well as far-east religions, have many references to the idea that our feelings and emotions are not coincidental. They are a result of specific triggers and patterns that are somehow encoded within our mental state and our reality.

‘In my professional practice’, says Alice Feuerbach, a psychologist, ‘I often observe the repetition of patterns in relationships. To me, it seems that our choice of a partner is usually not a random one. There is something else underneath.’

What guides us when we’re choosing a partner?

We love the idea of living a romantic life, therefore we prefer to believe that human relationships are very organic. We like to believe that life is a lot more complicated and unpredictable. This makes it much more fun and surprising.

Yet the fact that relationships are not an exact science, that relationships contain a pinch of mystery, and that life can surprise us, does not immediately exclude our capacity to predict or sense the reason for our ‘romantic’ choices.

A significant part of our motives for entering into a relationship with a specific person is subconscious and results from the ‘need’ (understood more as a certain primal necessity or compulsion) to settle something which was established in the love relationship with the parents or guardians. Within the reference to far-east beliefs, this primal need may even come from the relationships in our past lives.

It is usually a type of emotional need to recreate a certain climate from the family home that we can repeat with a partner. Sometimes it is a pleasant atmosphere, sometimes quite the opposite. And despite suffering, despite declaring that we have enough, that we want to leave, we continue to desire a certain state until it is exhausted, if ever.

Why is Nicole unable to leave her husband?

Nicole has a husband who is heavily addicted to gambling and as a result, she experiences emotional abuse at home. For two years now, she’s been planning to leave her husband but unfortunately, she can’t seem to be able to take this important step in her life.

Nicole was brought up in an alcoholic family. She suffered. Probably more than once she promised herself that she would choose someone ‘decent’ as a life partner, but somehow it turned out differently. In her family home, Nicole experienced a sense of the unpredictability of her father’s behavior. She experienced chaos, shame, guilt, anxiety, a sense of insecurity, and the need to take care of herself, and her siblings.

Nicole has learned to live in tension, fear, and shame but she dreamed of a relationship in which she would not have to be afraid, in which there would be love, respect, and peace. The right men with whom she had a chance did not meet her interest. They seemed unattractive to her, boring, and too polite.

Instead, she fell in love with a man who ended up having similar character traits to her father and who would later make her feel similar bad emotions.

Over time her unstable childhood and family life, her mind developed such a dependency on the unpredictable behavior of someone close to her, that it became a need that she subconsciously tried to fulfill. That need also led her to her present partner who she fell in love with.

Why are all women leaving JASON?

Jason is currently in a very unstable relationship. He has a whole string of that kind of relationship behind him. They all end with the initiative of the women he’s been with.

‘I don’t know why she left,’ comments Jason after his most recent breakup. – ‘After all, she was not lacking anything. I did everything for her. Then it turned out that she has someone on her side when she was still with me. She was with me and with him! Believe it or not, this went on for a whole year! I asked her to leave him, but she wouldn’t hear of it. I asked why she was with me then. Because I’m fine – she replied.’

Before this love affair, a different woman left and cheated Jason out of big money. ‘I knew that money was important to her’ – admits Jason, ‘She liked it a lot! There was nothing wrong with that, I decided. I tried to provide her with everything I could. I worked more than usual, earned more money, and took her shopping at least twice a week. She seemed pleased and I was happy too. Seeing her happy with all those new things I got for her, made me feel good too. Especially when I received a special treatment afterward.’ winks Jason, letting out a cheeky smile. ‘But then there was that ugly thing with my credit card. Long story short, I’m still paying it off after almost two years, and I haven’t seen her since.’

Jason believes that he is very unlucky in that he only chooses bad and spoiled women.

Since Jason always puts himself out into a position of a donor in all his relationships, there is no room for anything else. The women he has been with fed into his desperation, and desperate people eventually lose respect. It is no wonder, therefore, that his partners left him. What is the source of this type of behavior and this level of desperation?

Jason grew up only with his mother. He did not know his father. Jason’s mother was an unhappy and frustrated woman, which she expressed without hesitation, additionally accusing him and his absent father of all their misfortune and her own misery. The only thing he knew about his father was that he was a bastard like all other men.

Jason, in turn, was to blame for his mother’s lack of career, love partner, and happiness. She would constantly say things like: ‘Who will want a woman with a child, or ‘I had to rush home to cook your dinners, I couldn’t work!’.

As a result, Jason picked up a few feelings during his childhood. First, if anyone was dissatisfied, it was definitely his fault. Second, a belief that it is up to him to prove to his mother that it was possible to be male and at the same time be a good person. Third, you are expected to break your back to seek love, attention, and the satisfaction of your partner.

Jason never got what he fought for from his mother’s side. However, he made an unconscious decision to keep trying with all his romantic partners. Therefore, his behavior was set to show his women that not all men are bastards. He fought hard for scraps of attention and warmth from them. He also needed constant confirmation that he was the good guy, that he was the nice guy. That was his inbred desperation derived from his childhood relationship with his mother.

In love, you always have a choice

Even though we only looked at two specific examples, we need to be aware that every one of us has specific needs that guide us when we’re choosing a partner. Some of us may be more aware of our own emotional state and needs than others, but that doesn’t automatically mean we won’t make the same mistakes. A lot of this is deeply buried in our subconscious minds.

I encourage you to take a look at how you function in a relationship and what drives you. You can do a lot on your own if you agree with yourself to deepen your reflection and honesty. Sometimes self-diagnosis is not possible, or it doesn’t really change anything in your relationship. If that is the case it might be wise to seek some professional guidance. Not necessarily as a couple, but rather on an individual basis.

Digging out the subconscious mechanisms of our own actions and choices can sometimes be quite difficult but also very rewarding, however complicated and time-consuming it may be. Such deep analysis can also turn out to be painful, but it is always fascinating and usually brings real benefits: deeper understanding, more self-conscious living, and better future choices.

As long as something guides us, it is difficult to talk about our real choices. It is not us who are making the decision but ‘a hidden’ script written within our own life. Until we discover what the script is and reformulate and redefine our real needs, we may never find happiness in our love life or the right partner.